I was planning on writing today and I have wonderful things to report. But I also feel sick to my stomach.
As I’ve said before, I’ve endeavored to keep this blog anonymous. I’m not ready for the people around me to know my innermost thoughts, nor am I ready to out myself as a witch in a conservative Southern town. I messed up though. I messed up bad.
I use my Facebook account on some sites so that I don’t always have to make a separate account and password. I made the mistake of doing so on Goodreads. I didn’t realize my last post reviewing Magical Aromatherapy was also posted on my Facebook wall. Since I hardly check my Facebook, the post was up there for a whole week.
My heart has been beating out of my chest, although now I just feel nauseated. A girl I know from my bible study commented and asked me to clarify just what kind of “rituals” I was talking about. I deleted the post.
I’m trying to stay calm. I’m also trying to understand why I’m panicking. I do have this secret and I’m terrified for others to find out about it, particularly others who would shun and condemn me for having unconventional beliefs. I’m also furious at myself for being so careless, on top of being upset that I feel like I have to keep this part of me a secret.
Dear God, I’m a mess right now.
And this happens just as I find a place that I can find others like me, a place where I can learn without being judged or feeling like I have to hide! I found a store through an event listing on witchvox.com, which I was surprised to find in the town next to mine. I felt just excited and happy and safe and free as soon as I walked in the door. The smell of incense and oils was wonderful, it was loud and noisy from several children of customers and of one of the employees. The owner was welcoming and hugged me and showed me all the classes and meditations and readings they offer. I could have cried. They even show local artists’ works for free and only take a commission when it sells. I could truly explore my art without fearing if the subject material would offend or arouse suspicion where I currently display it.
My husband and I also went to a meditation center for the first time. It was a refreshing feeling and I was glad to go with him too. It also highlighted how much more I have to learn, but it was good experience and has inspired me to begin meditation for a short time each day.
I’m trying to focus on the good right now. I know everything truly does happen for a reason. I don’t think there’s any such thing as coincidence. I’m going to be ok. I’m going to meditate for a few minutes and listen to my Mother and Father, to ask them to make me strong where I am weak. I pray I will find comfort in their arms.